Forgive then Walk Away

I got my heart broken today. By two family members. Actually, one bumped me down from "family" to "relative" and said everything was my fault. The other one was trying to be top dog with me over something completely insignificant. He got personal, and I cut him down. These two then got on the phone and discussed the problem of me. Wow.

To blame an entire incident on someone is astounding to me. But I guess we do that in war every day.
If family, I mean relatives can't get along then how do we expect the world to?

I'm sad that I have to say goodbye to them. Both situations were the big sign to me that it's time to move on. Forgive and move on. I will silently mourn these deaths. I may see them again, and only out of courtesy will I acknowledge them.

What do you do when your portrayed as a bad guy, and in your heart you know you're not a bad guy. People commit some awful things in this family and are forgiven. I make first time mistakes and I am shunned.

I was always taught to forgive-kiss and make up as soon as you can because ya never know what can happen. That extra day of animosity might be someone's last day and then what?

Not everyone knows how not to fight. Not everyone knows how to forgive. Do I feel bad for their childhoods? Do I take pity on them? Or do I just feel this out, heal and carry on?

Honestly, I do have a temper. But I can count on one hand all the altercations that I have had in my entire life-including the school yard. Those two don't have enough fingers and toes to cover one decade. They know how to hold a grudge, drown out reason and vilify. They know how to avoid taking any responsibility.

Neither of them realize how much I held back. The first one didn't want to hear the truth, let gossip spread (she was the source) and garnered allies who retaliated against me. Today she went above and beyond what was necessary. The calmer I got to bring the situation down a bit, the louder she would go, blowing straight past the rafters. Hurtful words, but it's my fault that she said them, according to her. The second one didn't like that I playfully corrected him on semantics and thought he could call me crazy, old, out of the loop in return. It made as much sense as telling someone how to spell something nicely and then getting your ass kicked by that person so that he could show his friends how awesome he is. He did try to humiliate me publicly. That blew my mind, so out of anger, I let him have it.

My question in both cases is WHY? Why light the fuse and then behave in a surprised manner when the stick of dynamite at the end of said fuse blows up then blame the dynamite for any scrapes you may have? It's the matches fault for wanting to be lit. It's the dynamite's fault for working.

Why the lack of responsibility?

My head hurts. My heart hurts. My stomach is in knots. I don't exactly enjoy this. I'm tired. How do people thrive on this. It feels like a cancer, and I desperately want it out of me. The only logical thing is to cut out the cancer. They are not cancer. They are human beings doing the best they can. The situation became cancer. To avoid cancer, one avoids a tanning bed, too much sun, cigarettes, Splenda... So I know what I need to avoid. I ache as I write this, and I blog it because even if no one reads this, I know I've put this out there and, now I have to commit to what I'm saying. This could be seen the other way around, too. I'm bad for them. So now it's over.

I'm grateful for the people in my life who would never be in this scenario with me to begin with. Who love me even if I use the wrong word. Who understand that I am also doing the best I can. Who would never hurt me, betray me then behave as though it was all me. Who love me even when I'm unlovable. I've got a lot of those people, and I love them in kind. I love. I even love those two. I really wish them the best. Truly. But we are now strangers.

I made mistakes. I'm paying for them. I'm walking away, and I hope the sun comes with me.