Gotta Keep Moving

I have willingly hurled myself into an episode of Wife Swap. My television addiction has hit an all time low. It goes hand in hand with my recent unemployment. My next step will be to wear a stained shirt and holey socks. Each morning I meditate and create a verbal list of all that I am thankful for. I approach the day with positivity. It's hard. I own a house in the land of instability, and I'm ready to sell. I'm attending auditions and gearing myself up to write. This is what I do. This is what makes life scary, but the conventional world seems to reject me time and again. It's not necessarily a bad thing. The essential harshness is no money, and that has passed humility and taken me straight into a throbbing ache.

My dog has been keeping an eye on me, and now the cats seem to be doing the same thing. At first I thought that the cats were doing thus because if I crack, who will feed them? But I see genuine concern. It's nice. I love them, too. The dog has taken lead and is becoming increasingly colorful.She's practically juggling just to keep me amused.

I have been out of the apartment daily. The other day I went on an 8 mile hike with friends-nearly all a steep uphill trek-in Griffith Park. It was tough, but it felt good. I wasn't sore the next day because I did some stretching afterward. It feels so good to stretch. I need to remind myself to do it more often. Thinking back, that hike was so surreal. I was so slow going down the hills that I wonder if I'll be invited again, but great balance is not something I was born with. I need to work on it. I saw a beautiful, rascal of a horse with a cowboy astride, run up a steep incline effortlessly. My physical challenge aligned with a mental one was definitely tested. Towards the end, I thought I would never make it down, but I kept moving. It was my 1st hike in decades, and the longest one ever. I did it, and that feels amazing.

My hypochondria has taken up a few time slots in my day, and I'm wondering if I have a silent pneumonia from a cold that I had 2 weeks ago. My cough rises abruptly and not all that often, but I am still a bit congested. I know I have a stethoscope around here somewhere. Between my own lung examination and Web MD, my prognosis will probably be a strain of ebola with two weeks to live.

So far, my girl is being supportive, but I'm waiting for her to have a momentary lapse, and pull the rug out from under me as she has done in the past when finances are involved. I can understand that she doesn't want to be taken advantage of-probably just as much as me not wanting to be supported or have to answer to someone about how I handle my bills. It's brutal, and not fair to her, but it's not fair to me either. I work hard.

I've debated not doing my taxes since I will owe and have no way of paying, but my Dad told me that I have to do them, along with a string of reason as to why I must. I understand exactly what he says, but I try to play dumb in hopes that he give up and stop, but no such luck, so I agreed. I look forward to being a future tax outlaw, as I've never been in that situation before. Cheers to a new addition to the jack of all trades. I'll put this experience on the shelf next to the time when I was attacked by a bunch of fleas in a friend's apartment. Good times.

I've experienced so much in my life, and I remember it all. I would like to know how the other side does it. Of course, I now realize that the only way that I'll have a chance to achieve this is if I follow my heart and carry it through. Otherwise, I'll keep dead ending and finding myself in this cycle that I have become bored of. I get it. Can we move on now, God?

Ultimately, no one knows what will happen next. The world can flip on anyone in a nano second. There is no such thing as stability. I know this. But still, it would be nice to have the option to use that illusion.

Wife Swap is over, and so is my sullen attitude. I know I've got to keep moving. Like fish, if we stop, we die, and I'm not ready to die yet. Time to assume the happy face and my "life is beautiful" attitude. Ggrrr. Sometimes that sucks.