let's see...2012

2012 let so many fanatics down. The Mayans SAID...Damn! Now they have to fish out a new end of the world date. I'm curious as to when that will be.

There were some good moments, but I lost my grandmother, which means that my head and heart caved in. I'm damned with an excellent memory in feeling and thought, and damn it, I miss her extraordinarily. I'm looking at everyone suspiciously, wondering when that person will drop dead, when the next torture session will begin. Morbid, indeed. I'm working on not doing that, but after experiencing one of the worse day of my life, well, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My poor dog is now the focus of my obsession to keep her well. She's 11, sharp as hell, and gives me this look, as though she's thinking, "Get away from me, W-E-I-R-D-O, I'm fine!" Poor thing, is getting lumpy, as many older pups do, but she still has that baby face and those alert eyes-she is aware of everything. She was there when I got the news about my grandmother. While I broke down, she sat on the couch next to me and howled in unison with my own retching and phrasing of agonizing expression.

She is THAT dog. The intelligent type that could've been in pictures. Unique and beautiful and now I'm pestering her. She had an abscess the other night that ruptured and I stayed up with her until the wee hours, cleaning and hot compressing, all the way thinking that I need her here with me for, oh the next 45 years or so.

After my grandma, I lost two friends. Meanwhile, my fb feed was flooded with people expressing loss with this and that person-famous and personal. This year death took center stage, and managed to take a significant person from every genre of celebrity and private circles.

In 2012, I gained excellent employment, got a cool apartment, reconnected with an old friend, reconnected with new friends...I am aware of the good fortune that I received. I hold onto that. I count on that thread, which I plan to hold onto.

I had to say goodbye to a dear friend with raging alcoholism, and had to say goodbye to an aunt and three cousins, one who had claimed best friend status with me but, apparently, it didn't stick and after reading countless facebook posts of hers, declaring love for all mankind and similar rhetoric, I got irritated with the thick, gooey, hypcrisy because her actions towards me show the opposite of who she claims to be. It's awful to see the ugliness in that. Of course, there's a lot more to it, and it bothers me, but you can't make everyone happy, and when one expresses the truth, you can make even more people unhappy and verging on the edge of venomous-true colors come out and denial no longer has a grasp on you.

My 2012 was a year of goodbyes, truth, facing my mortality, and setting my destiny in motion. I'm heavy hearted and feeling the weight of those tears. I need them to dry now. I suppose I'll always feel the sting, but that's life isn't it? My goal is to be ridiculously happy. The Mayans never said it would end. It's more like now is the time to begin. I guess it starts with getting out of bed, which I'm doing. So far, so good...